Occasions

Seven rooms, seven different jobs

A wedding toast and a eulogy are not the same speech with different words. Each of these has its own structure, its own length, and its own list of ways to get it wrong.

Wedding toast

2–4 minutes

Best man, maid of honour, parent or friend — the three minutes everyone films.

Usually given by: Best man · Maid of honour · Parent of the bride · Parent of the groom

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Birthday speech

1.5–3 minutes

Milestone or ordinary Tuesday — warm, funny, and over before the candles die.

Usually given by: Partner · Best friend · Son or daughter · Parent

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Retirement send-off

3–6 minutes

Forty years in five minutes, without reading their CV out loud.

Usually given by: Manager · Direct report · Long-time colleague · Mentee

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Farewell

2–4 minutes

Someone is leaving. Say the thing before the taxi comes.

Usually given by: Close friend · Colleague · Flatmate · Teammate

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Graduation

2–5 minutes

For the graduate, or for the parent who has to speak at dinner.

Usually given by: Parent · The graduate · Teacher · Older sibling

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Eulogy & memorial

3–6 minutes

Written gently, with nothing invented. Ever.

Usually given by: Child · Grandchild · Sibling · Partner

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Anniversary

2–5 minutes

Twenty-five, forty, fifty years — told through the small things.

Usually given by: Son or daughter · Grandchild · One of the couple · Close friend

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